From: your friendly neighborhood koala bear
Time flies fast. That's a fact.
Although I've never actually monitored my time, which a lot of my "mesmerized acquaintances" will hardly believe. But, guess what, guys
A human being living among you, RIGHT HERE!
*point at myself*.
Anyways, here I am 3 months after officially graduating and if you'all wondering what I am doing right now?.... well, let me put it like this:
" I am currently rehabbing, restoring my stability and self-conscious, resetting my priorities and discovering the wide plane of choices I might choose from. In order to lead a life that I choose its details not jump into some molds that were already set for me."
Here I said it!
* And I wish this be the whole truth for me with no hidden psychological agendas, otherwise I'd be just one big procrastinator unemployed koala bear*
And an urge to share my mind out loud here in my beloved place have just awaken in me.
So, here's a little -not so little- story to share with you.
The story of the beginning of my future fears and doubts in exactly 3rd year of college.
There I was setting goals and working on making them happen, finding my ultimate pleasure in many of my classes in that year and feeling the most motivated to get shit done.
But, all this never arrived without company. It was flying above me like a little cloud side by side with fears that I was thinking of for the first time ever...
I started to picture graduation as both the heaven and hell I was destined to meet.
A heaven to get rid of all that late night studies *lots of'em*,
tired unhappy days *the worst kind*,
armies of exams running after me wherever I go and the disappointing level of education as a whole.
And a hell. A hell of the gates to adult life opening wide and just suck me into it, or the hell of being "obligated" to do and move even if you're not feeling like moving at the moment, maybe also the hell of comparison to your peers even if you're the most reasonable person on earth, somehow the ghosts of comparisons gets you. Not to mention the hell of the great fear of unfulfilled potentials... That's alone ,for me, is the greatest hell that is.
So, now you could picture how bittersweet that 3rd year was for me.
I don't recall how did I manage to slip through depression's fingers, but I did. And moved on to 4th and 5th year as smoothly as it can get... Maybe not too smooth, because I kept battling my hell in the back of my mind.
However, just as the 5th and final year was coming to an end, I was getting all my 3rd year vibes back.
It just hit me harder by then
*Well, duh?*
there is only a one month gap between me and that gates of hell that kept silently terrifying me all these years.
I guess it was then that I made my unconscious decision of a gap period.
*Author's note coming up*
A gap period is actually called " A gap year" but because I am too scared to set a timeline for it and a year sounds like too much time doing nothing. So, I just minimized my psychological causalities by not naming a time for it.
*typical, thinking she's so smart but she so not, me*
But a question far more important than all others left unanswered in my head. What is gonna be your investment in this gap period? What will you be doing during it?
And as usual, I'm left with no certain plan to follow. just a hunch and a going with the flow attitude:
There is no rules book.
No molds..
There isn't just one *usually, the obvious* path to take, maybe you'd like to try others..
Whatever come up interests me, go for it..
Whatever feels like it, do it..
*And I am still not doing even that... A KOALA, I TELL YOU!*
Just don't think its easy like that, smartypants!
It's yet another hell. Because, you're left all foggy and have no visual whatsoever of what's coming ahead for you.
You never have a satisfying answer whenever you're asked "What are you currently doing?", or whenever you ask yourself "Now, what?!!"
On one hand, You won't seek other's approval for what you believe is the best for you right now. But on the other, It manages to trigger your inner little doubter and makes you shaky and sometimes unsatisfied with yourself.
So, here I am. At point zero.
3 months after graduation. In my own rehab center.
I don't know what's next for me. I am dying to know, though.
I still haven't taken any serious step regarding a career whatsoever. If anything, I'm just relaxing and having a regular 3 months summer vacation as I used to when I was still a student.
*Crazy, I KNOW!*
However, if we wish to talk seriously for a minute, I know that there's a lot waiting me ahead. And this rehab, gap period I'm doing won't last forever
*or will, who knows?*
Either way, if it's not preparing me for what's coming and making me more confident and my steps more instilled and firm, then it was for nothing.
That's another fact I know *and fear*.
It's just that sometimes, fear can hold us down more than any other obstacle in our paths.
Fear of coming up short, of unfulfilled potentials, of straying off the track we've always wanted for ourselves. Whatever it was, fear is always the enemy
*Alongside ourselves sometimes*
So, I hope I win this battle I've been doing for 3 years now and to deliver the most perfect picture of a life, both personal and professional, I had in my imagination.
*Hope alone won't do shit, I KNOW, so keep me in your prayers, guys*
Here's a final thought, this time it's to all my close friends, with whom I keep in touch and be blessed to share their latest steps:
" I'd love to keep hearing your stories, guys. I'm blessed to be anytime, anyhow. And I'd like to apologize in advance If I ever sounded uninterested or dull during any of our future talks, I won't be really meaning it to sound like that, perhaps my own thoughts will be clouding over me by then in a warning of an up coming self-doubt storm, so just bear with me.
Oh. One more thing. I am really blessed for every bit of faith any of you has in me, like seriously, guys I think SO big of myself whenever you pep talk me like you do.
And if I am in a place to ask for favors, please don't stop it. Because, sometimes it actually works as my super solid umbrella in one of those brutal storms."
Be safe. Stay achieved. And stay close.
Blue's outta here!
Although I've never actually monitored my time, which a lot of my "mesmerized acquaintances" will hardly believe. But, guess what, guys
A human being living among you, RIGHT HERE!
*point at myself*.
Anyways, here I am 3 months after officially graduating and if you'all wondering what I am doing right now?.... well, let me put it like this:
" I am currently rehabbing, restoring my stability and self-conscious, resetting my priorities and discovering the wide plane of choices I might choose from. In order to lead a life that I choose its details not jump into some molds that were already set for me."
Here I said it!
* And I wish this be the whole truth for me with no hidden psychological agendas, otherwise I'd be just one big procrastinator unemployed koala bear*
And an urge to share my mind out loud here in my beloved place have just awaken in me.
So, here's a little -not so little- story to share with you.
The story of the beginning of my future fears and doubts in exactly 3rd year of college.
There I was setting goals and working on making them happen, finding my ultimate pleasure in many of my classes in that year and feeling the most motivated to get shit done.
But, all this never arrived without company. It was flying above me like a little cloud side by side with fears that I was thinking of for the first time ever...
I started to picture graduation as both the heaven and hell I was destined to meet.
A heaven to get rid of all that late night studies *lots of'em*,
tired unhappy days *the worst kind*,
armies of exams running after me wherever I go and the disappointing level of education as a whole.
And a hell. A hell of the gates to adult life opening wide and just suck me into it, or the hell of being "obligated" to do and move even if you're not feeling like moving at the moment, maybe also the hell of comparison to your peers even if you're the most reasonable person on earth, somehow the ghosts of comparisons gets you. Not to mention the hell of the great fear of unfulfilled potentials... That's alone ,for me, is the greatest hell that is.
So, now you could picture how bittersweet that 3rd year was for me.
I don't recall how did I manage to slip through depression's fingers, but I did. And moved on to 4th and 5th year as smoothly as it can get... Maybe not too smooth, because I kept battling my hell in the back of my mind.
However, just as the 5th and final year was coming to an end, I was getting all my 3rd year vibes back.
It just hit me harder by then
*Well, duh?*
there is only a one month gap between me and that gates of hell that kept silently terrifying me all these years.
I guess it was then that I made my unconscious decision of a gap period.
*Author's note coming up*
A gap period is actually called " A gap year" but because I am too scared to set a timeline for it and a year sounds like too much time doing nothing. So, I just minimized my psychological causalities by not naming a time for it.
*typical, thinking she's so smart but she so not, me*
But a question far more important than all others left unanswered in my head. What is gonna be your investment in this gap period? What will you be doing during it?
And as usual, I'm left with no certain plan to follow. just a hunch and a going with the flow attitude:
There is no rules book.
No molds..
There isn't just one *usually, the obvious* path to take, maybe you'd like to try others..
Whatever come up interests me, go for it..
Whatever feels like it, do it..
*And I am still not doing even that... A KOALA, I TELL YOU!*
Just don't think its easy like that, smartypants!
It's yet another hell. Because, you're left all foggy and have no visual whatsoever of what's coming ahead for you.
You never have a satisfying answer whenever you're asked "What are you currently doing?", or whenever you ask yourself "Now, what?!!"
On one hand, You won't seek other's approval for what you believe is the best for you right now. But on the other, It manages to trigger your inner little doubter and makes you shaky and sometimes unsatisfied with yourself.
So, here I am. At point zero.
3 months after graduation. In my own rehab center.
I don't know what's next for me. I am dying to know, though.
I still haven't taken any serious step regarding a career whatsoever. If anything, I'm just relaxing and having a regular 3 months summer vacation as I used to when I was still a student.
*Crazy, I KNOW!*
However, if we wish to talk seriously for a minute, I know that there's a lot waiting me ahead. And this rehab, gap period I'm doing won't last forever
*or will, who knows?*
Either way, if it's not preparing me for what's coming and making me more confident and my steps more instilled and firm, then it was for nothing.
That's another fact I know *and fear*.
It's just that sometimes, fear can hold us down more than any other obstacle in our paths.
Fear of coming up short, of unfulfilled potentials, of straying off the track we've always wanted for ourselves. Whatever it was, fear is always the enemy
*Alongside ourselves sometimes*
So, I hope I win this battle I've been doing for 3 years now and to deliver the most perfect picture of a life, both personal and professional, I had in my imagination.
*Hope alone won't do shit, I KNOW, so keep me in your prayers, guys*
Here's a final thought, this time it's to all my close friends, with whom I keep in touch and be blessed to share their latest steps:
" I'd love to keep hearing your stories, guys. I'm blessed to be anytime, anyhow. And I'd like to apologize in advance If I ever sounded uninterested or dull during any of our future talks, I won't be really meaning it to sound like that, perhaps my own thoughts will be clouding over me by then in a warning of an up coming self-doubt storm, so just bear with me.
Oh. One more thing. I am really blessed for every bit of faith any of you has in me, like seriously, guys I think SO big of myself whenever you pep talk me like you do.
And if I am in a place to ask for favors, please don't stop it. Because, sometimes it actually works as my super solid umbrella in one of those brutal storms."
Be safe. Stay achieved. And stay close.
Blue's outta here!
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